This started with me just getting all my self-loathing out on a new note in Evernote. Writing a few angry paragraphs ripping myself apart, as usual, seemed like a good idea, but has ended up being a bit more than that.
So I thought, fuck it, let’s publish this because I don’t give a single fuck anymore…
But first, this content is rated 18, not for the faint of heart, so if you’re interested in getting a little insight into the life of a sad depressed, potentially bipolar, suicidal loser, read-on…
It’ll take you 9 minutes if you’re an average reader or at least an hour if you’ve got focus issues like me…
So, here goes…
The Self Pity Part
I’m paralysed, like in one of those bad dreams you just can’t wake up from. I know what it must be like to be paralysed from the neck up, then have cling film wrapped around your face with just a pinhole to breathe from
I feel helpless, literally beyond help.
I feel useless, in every way possible, no use to man, ornament nor beast.
I feel sad and depressed to the point of tears most days! So fucking sad like I’m in an endless, slippery dark black evil cold cunting hole!!
I feel ever frustrated; I just want to smash everything up!
I feel so angry, fucking angry, so fucking angry at myself! Everything agitates me!
I feel anxious all the fucking time, WHY?
I don’t want to be here, I mean, I wish I didn’t exist, I wish I hadn’t been born! I wish I’d just have the bollocks to end it all, then I wouldn’t feel like this anymore.
I even wish I would get cancer so I can just fucking die! A fatal car crash would do, as long as I don’t see it coming. I really want to just die! I even find myself opening incognito windows in my browser and googling for ‘ways to kill myself as quickly and pain-free as possible’.
I don’t know what to do? How am I going to get anywhere in this life? The time is ticking so fast, I can’t keep up…
I feel like I don’t know anything, I don’t know what or how to do anything because I’m so fucking thick and stupid and I don’t know how to learn stuff. I’m such a slow learner, I don’t know what to do! Is it that I don’t know what to learn? More than likely, because I have no self-belief whatsoever, so why bother trying to learn something when I don’t believe that I can actually learn and evolve?
Sucks don’t it? But I’m genuinely stuck in the proverbial rut…
Where Do I Go?
It’s all so fucking overwhelming!! The possibilities may be endless, but how am I supposed to decide what to do?
Time is running out and is getting shorter every day, I can’t even read a book because there’s no time, and there are so many books, where would I even start?
I’ve just turned 49, It’s like I was 30 only last year, and I keep ruminating over my childhood, almost in tears wishing I could be there again. It wasn’t perfect, there was a lot of trauma, but anything is better than this shit hole of a life!
I want to fucking scream out and cry, but I don’t want anyone to know!
No one listens to me anyway, even my kids don’t listen to me, and Rose doesn’t like me right now, although she says she loves me. I know she does, deep down, but I don’t deserve anything from her or anyone else…
I’ve been such a terrible husband to my Rose, I feel so riddled with guilt for not being a good husband, she can do way better without me! She’s stuck with me through everything when she probably should have left me. I wouldn’t blame her if she did…
I used to have ambitions, fucking huge big aspirations, but not anymore, they’ve gone forever, my fire has gone out, and the embers have turned to cold ash. I don’t even remember what those ambitions were.
I feel shame and guilt because I’m writing this stuff about how I feel [like I’m so important when we all know that I’m not! Who the fuck am I kidding?]
I’m laughing now, I always do when I think anyone out there could actually give a shit about me. Just as I laugh out hard and loud to myself when I even think, let alone say out loud that something could actually work out for me!!
I feel such a burden to everyone, I HATE asking for help, it’s so demoralising! Just me being like this is burdening the few people close to me, and that hurts.
I can hear my subconscious screaming out to me, “No, you’ll just fail again, you don’t deserve any success or happiness in your life.” I hear this whenever there’s the slightest whiff of real opportunity passing my direction…
It’s like I’m willing myself to be like this, I’m not, it’s my subconscious, my poisonous inner voice that has been conditioned to all my failures. I Fucking hate being like this! I’ve become lazy and relentlessly uninterested in anything.
Does anyone want to know the meaning of ‘Procrastination’? I’m your man!
That cliched ‘self-sabotage’ rot has set in deep, taken hold! Worse – I’m starting to feel comfortable in my self-made cesspit of accrued shit – yet it has crippled me beyond repair.
Everything, and I mean literally everything I touch turns to shit! WHY? When I look back, it’s always been the same, I’m riding this perpetual failure train and can’t get off!
I’ve let so many people down, not because I’m a terrible person, I just didn’t know what else to do…
If I’ve let you down, I’m so sorry.
I know I’m not good enough at anything I do, nor ever have been, why would anyone want to pay me to do anything? I’m totally worthless! Even writing this in Grammarly, I’m being informed that my vocabulary is below average. That’s just me though, everything I ever do is ‘below average.’
Why am I like this?
Show Me The Money
I don’t know how the money will ever come to me, I’m numb to it, to the point that I realise I repel it, yet I’m so fed up with having none! Not a penny! I own nothing, I have no savings, no pension, no property, no assets!
Every time I’ve made an attempt to get somewhere in my life, I’ve failed miserably! I’m so fed up with failing, yet seem to have become accustomed to it.
Am I scared of money? Is it because my relationship with money has always been so toxic? I don’t know, maybe it is, but whatever is going on, I have no idea how to fix it, I don’t even know if I want to fix it…
My mother has always said to me “Stephen, you always make the wrong decisions!” or “Stephen, you always spend money you haven’t got!”
Yeah, I’ve spent money I’ve not had. Still, for me, it’s not the spending money I’ve not had, it’s more “why the fuck can’t I make enough money even to just live even a slightly median existence?”
I mustn’t forget my old Grandad brainwashing me from birth with “Those who live to waste, will live to want!” Now isn’t that ironic, I’ve spent my whole fucking life wasting time, wasting money and, yup, you guessed it, living to want. Then there was the constant “Waste not, want not” and “Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves”
Strange, but I miss my Grandparents so much, not a day passes when I don’t think about them. Grandad always used to say “Boy, you’ll miss me when I’m dead and gone” He was right, I do! They were a very odd pair, my Grandparents, but they made it, they didn’t want for anything.
Looking back, I’ve spent my whole adult life robbing Peter to pay Paul. I’ve never been out of debt, personally and in my businesses. I’ve always wanted things I can’t afford, like a child in a toy shop, I guess… What a fucking idiot I’ve been!
Thinking about my childhood, I was very privileged, I wanted for nothing, yet still wanted everything. My parents had successful businesses, thanks mainly to my mother. We had a lovely big house in East Sussex, significant grounds, pool, horses, etc… Why haven’t I ever been able to achieve this? Why can’t I have this?
I’m sick and tired of trying one ‘thing’ after another only to hit those fucking barricades of failure and doom once more. You know the ones, all the shit you see on my Facebook, the Business Pages I set up and get you to ‘Like’ because I think, ‘this is it’ this is the one’!
Wuahaha!! Yeah, RIGHT! As if!
Well, they weren’t ‘it’, they just came to nothing, like everything I try to do – then FAIL once more!
I’m at the point now where I start something, then just lose interest right before I launch it.
Again, and again and again and again, I FAIL!!!
Those fucking walls, I’m sick of the sight of them! They appear at every turn!
For all my dreams and ambitions throughout my life, not one has come to fruition, not one goal have I achieved, ever!
Did I say, I’m 49 now? Boy, I’ve fucked up, right?
I don’t know what, if any, is my purpose in this life? I literally have no idea why I’m here! I’ve heard people say that we all have a purpose, but not me, that’s for sure.
What is my ‘WHY’?? Fuck Knows! Actually, fuck doesn’t even know!!
Oh Those Barriers
I had a Psycho Melt-Down episode back in 2016, where I let yet another business sink, and nearly lost my family in the process. A story for another day perhaps? But since then, I’ve been trying to make it in the online world. I knew this was something I would be good at. Guess what? I’ve not made a bean, literally, not one penny or Dime! ZERO! ZILTCH!
Everything I try, I’m presented with those BIG iron barriers shooting up from the ground beneath me, stopping me! I’m surely fucking doomed!
I’m so fucking depressed all the time!
My brain is like stuck together, cold dried-up old spaghetti leftover from the night before, all tangled up in an impossible mess.
Is There Anybody Out There?
I can’t talk to anyone, I have no one, except my Rose, but I hate to burden her with this shit – I hate to burden anyone with my shit! But here I am burdening you lovely readers with it, although you can choose not to read it I guess…
No one understands me anyway, Rose and mum just think it should be so easy to pull myself out of this, but if only they really knew just how deep in this shit I really am…
I can’t talk to my mum, she just doesn’t get me at all, she’s so judgemental and blames all the women I’ve had in my life for my failings, Duh!!
I can’t talk to my dad, he died last year, and even if he were here, he was no father to me or any of his kids! I fear that I’ve ended up just like him, or worse! He was a loser too, putting it mildly, but I reckon he could take some lessons from me now if he were here… What a great legacy to be left with!
To be clear, I do not blame anyone for the way my life has turned out, except me! All my mistakes and failings have been by my own hands, no one else!
I can’t talk to my brother, because we just never got on, although we’ve grown up a bit now, we’re still so different, and no disrespect to him, he just thinks he’s always right. To be honest, it’d be a bit like the blind leading the blind anyway…
It’s a sad fact, but true, I have NO friends, not a soul in the world, except my best mate Bally, who moved to the US back in 96. We talk, not that often, but he’s never deserted me, unlike some of my friends from the past who’ve made it up that ladder of success, and just waved me goodbye from the top!
I hate being this introverted, lonely, sad loser, but I feel so uncomfortable around people, even my own family. I can’t even walk into a room of three or more people without feeling the paralysis set in!
I’m so lonely, living in this dark, caliginous place! It’s dark and dank in my home and even darker in my head.
My life is just one constant feeling of deep frustration, sadness and anxiety, and it gets darker every day.
There’s no light to see at the end of this tunnel, not even a pin-dot in the distance because there’s no tunnel, just a black dark hole that I will never be able to escape from…
I’m so lost!
Right now, as I’m typing this, I feel so empty, I feel sick and exhausted with life and its relentless rage against me.
I’m sure that I wasn’t meant for this universe, I should go and wreak havoc on this sick universe for revenge, but I can’t be bothered…
The End