I’ve spent my whole life floating through a space-like vacuum, without realising – Now I’m fully aware of it, and I don’t think I can stop myself, it’s too late! I feel like an astronaut who’s harness broke while trying to patch up my space pod, and now I’m tumbling uncontrollably through space until my oxygen expires. Only I wish that oxygen would expire right now!
Having spent my whole life failing and fucking up everything I touch, and I do mean everything, I’ve reached a point where I physically and mentally cannot carry on for one more moment. But what in the hell am I supposed to do??
This perpetuating reaffirmation relentlessly forcing my eyes open to the fact that I cannot, nor ever will achieve anything in my life, is driving me fucking crazy! What the fuck am I even doing here?
I’m screaming so loudly inside, I want to scream and shout out loud. Still, I won’t, I’ll keep all this anger and frustration locked inside as I always do because I hate to be a burden to anyone. The trouble is, I’m already burdening my family, and that’s breaking me in two. They would do so much better without me.
I look at Rose, and I know she doesn’t’ feel the same way about me as she once did. I don’t blame her; I’ve been a constant pain in her ass! Still, she puts up with me, for now at least.
So often, I feel like running away to a faraway place, away from everyone, never to be seen nor heard from again. I don’t think I’d be missed, I have nothing to give, I’ve been a constant weight on Rose’s shoulders. She could’ve had a much better life if we’d never met…
I genuinely hate myself! I can’t even look in the mirror without wanting to vomit! Seriously! I don’t want to be here anymore because I know that all that lies ahead for me is more of this aimless floating through this dark void of nothingness.
I have zero interest in anything. I can’t find anything to get excited about. I don’t experience pleasure or fun in anything. They call this Anhedonia, I call this dying inside. I’ll just make fake comments and smiles and act like I’m okay, but inside, I’m far from okay, I’m sombre, sad and so heavily weighed down with this fucking darkness and depressed state.
Sometimes I can’t hide it. Sometimes my inner pain bleeds out, like a haemorrhaging artery and everyone can see it.
In my existence, ‘everyone’ is Rose and my girls; They don’t deserve to see me like this, it’s not their fault. When I’m in my dark places Rose thinks I’ve gone cold on her, but I haven’t, I just can’t contain my damming pain inside!
“I’m so sorry my Rose, Yasmine and Ellie, I don’t mean to make you feel like that.”
It just ain’t fair for fuck sake!
Newtons Law
“Every Action Has An Equal And Opposite Reaction”
Sir Isac Newton
For every attempt I make to push through this impenetrable darkness, I’m met with an equally ferocious opposing force. No matter how hard I push, this darkness darkens further around me…
Everything I start comes to an abrupt stop, just as quickly, yet with all my suicidal thoughts, I do crave to succeed in life. I so crave to be financially free and live a normal life as other people do. Still, I 100% believe with all my conviction that I will never be able to reach any goals, ever!
There’s no point in me setting goals, every goal I have ever sought has been in vain.
I’ve reached a point now where I consciously avoid any opportunity, no matter how small, because I know that nothing will materialise from it. It has never done! So I run a mile! I cross over the other side of the road at the slightest hint of any opportunity coming towards me!
As I scroll through Facebook and other websites, I’m relentlessly retargeted with ads related to things I’ve looked at in the past; Constant reminders of yet more ‘things’ I’ve failed at! Ways to ‘make money online’, Affiliate Marketing, Amazon FBA, Digital Marketing, Web Design, and many other shiny objects that have led me down yet more paths to failure…
I now actively unsubscribe then ignore all these things as I’m just not in the slightest bit interested anymore. Not only in making money online but doing anything at all… I feel dead and void inside. I feel so shite, I just procrastinate my way through each day, wasting all my time. But I don’t know what the hell to do!
There are times when I get a slight stirring in my gut, the tiniest feeling of excitement when I come across something that may just offer a glimmer of hope for me. Then it all comes crashing down around me in a massive wave of overwhelm, followed by all the usual feelings of depression!
I want to smash everything up!!
I look at other people ‘making it’ in life, I look at what they’ve accomplished, and I’m in awe. I wish that was me. I’ll watch TV shows, I look at how those people are portrayed and can only dream of such a life. Yeah, I know not everyone lives like that, but fuck it, I want to! I’ve worked my balls off over the years, but seemingly in vain!
There are many people out there that have great lives, I’m not jealous, of course not, I don’t do jealousy, I love to see it when others have made a success of their lives. Still, I get so fucking frustrated and angry with myself because I just can’t get anywhere in life, no matter how hard I’ve tried over the years…
My life sucks, I hate it! Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife & kids and would give my life for them, but I just hate this life of mine. I get zero enjoyment from my life. Nothing floats my boat anymore.
I’m a petrol-head, I love cars, I love modifying cars, but I’ve not done that for years. I dream of owning a business developing fast road and track modifications for BMW M Cars, Audi RS and AMG Mercedes. Yeah, there’s something that really floats my boat. Still, I can’t even entertain that idea, I am penniless and beyond broke, and who in the heck would look to invest in me anyway?
The long and short, I’m a fucking loser, I hate my life, and it’s just gonna get worse! I can’t see a way out! Every potential opportunity that comes my way, no matter how small, well, I just run a mile! I have no interest in anything. Nothing gets my juices flowing, nothing seems to be the definition of my life, no wonder I would rather not be in this world.
I Feel Sick and fucking hopeless! I’m trapped in this endless, torturous void. I’m not a disaster waiting to happen, that disaster happened the day I was conceived…
How Did I Get Here?
I wish I knew the answer, but I don’t. Is it the way I’m made? I have no idea, despite wracking my brains for years trying to work out this mess.
Can I blame my childhood? Maybe…
They say that our program, or if you like, our Operating System is fully programmed by the time we’re 7 years old? Possibly, but I think it’s more like the whole time we are under our parent’s influence. This is just my opinion based on my own experiences.
In my case, my mother’s influence was the prominent one; My father’s presence in my childhood was inert, he did nothing for my brother and me. He left everything to my Mum.
My Mum was not just strict with my brother and me, she was a mindless obsessed control freak, totally out of control with her controlling! Yeah, that bad! I could really go to town here, but out of respect for her, I won’t.
With all Mum’s strange ways, she has only ever wanted the best for Kevin and me. She would do anything for us, no questions, but I can’t help thinking that if she wasn’t so controlling, things might be different now? But I’ll never know.
I will just say this; I don’t harbour any resentment to my Mum. I used to, but I realised that there’s no point. She did her very best for us under pretty trying circumstances, and still does to this day. Although she does my head in sometimes, I do love her, and I will be forever grateful to her for her support over the years.
Can I blame my DNA?
It would be easy to do so; Mum comes from a line of proper strange folk, and my dad comes from a line of South East London gangsters who would fight each other in the street over a ‘score’ or a ‘monkey’. They would scam their own grannies and other family members, and often actually did!
I don’t, however, subscribe to the notion that ones DNA makes us who we are or what we become, other than physically, so where does this leave me? Looking like my sad, jealous, angry dad! There’s a story for another day…
What is My Purpose?
One thing I do know is this; For all of my adult life, I can never recall having a purpose. I’ve never been consciously aware of having that ‘Why.’ Jeez, I’ve only discovered the whole concept of having ones ‘Why’ in very recent years. I watched one of my Facebook friends, Vonnie, doing a ‘Live’ on the subject a couple of years ago, and she got me thinking. And I thought, and I thought, and I thought…
For sure, I’ve always had big ambitions, but never a real sense of true purpose, or even my ‘Why’. For the last two years, I have been wracking my brains to find my ‘Why’ and I just can’t! I’m 49 for fuck sake, why can’t I get my shit together? Time is running out!
Where does this leave me?
So, what now? If just consciously knowing where my problems lie could make unravelling this mess in my head straight forward… But it doesn’t.
If only I could shake these relentless feelings of hopelessness, self-doubt and self-loathing, but I can’t! The constant desire to single-handedly sabotage my every potential forward move is seriously taking its toll.
Every vision I have of making it in life is instantly and abruptly shut-down by my one of my inner monsters. This time, it’s the monster of overwhelm, doom and doubt, then the self-sabotage kicks right on in; Boom!! Yet more fucking perpetuating madness ensues!
I frequently daydream about how I wish my life were. Sometimes these daydreams slip out of my mouth. Unsurprisingly, I immediately get shot down in flames and reminded in no uncertain terms how ludicrous my dreams are. I don’t blame them for looking at me as a total failure, after all, I am!
I get these ideas, I get these visions, I get this little glimpses of hope every day, and every day, they are met with the same fate!
I write these words in the hope that I might somehow get some much-needed aspiration from somewhere, I don’t know where from, I just want to stop this feeling of crippling despair.
If you’re reading this and you’re in a similar dilemma and are hoping to get some inspiration, I’m so sorry, you’ll not find that here today. I’ve yet to work out this shit for myself…
One day in the future, when or if I’ve worked out this life thing, then I may be able to be your guiding beacon? Haha, but more than likely not!
So, until the next instalment of doom and gloom, stay cheerful, stay happy, stay focused on your dreams, because I’m fucked if I can…